Friday, May 7, 2010
My Reflections on Mother's Day
Mother's Day comes only one day out of the year but being a mother is year round. It doesn't matter if your your child is 1 month old or 25 yrs old like mine is. You will ALWAYS be a mother. You worry, and try to attend to them still even as adults and the worrying never stops at least for me it doesn't. I constantly worry if he is eating ok, getting enough sleep, is he being careful when he is out in the street, hanging in the club, etc etc.
Every year I take the time to reflect on my on this day and look back at my years as a mother. I tend to start looking at all my old photos of my son and I and think back on the great times I had with my son growing up and the times we shared together. As a single parent it was tough especially when my son had a learning disability that he and myself had to deal with. I always ask myself, "did I do enough for him, did I provide a good home for him, did I give him the tools to succeed in life, Was I good mom to him and did he have good memories of his childhood. I think under the circumstances, I think I did a good job considering that I did it myself.
Today my son has his own life and may not always remember to call when he should or let's just say call when I want him to call. I need to remember that I let him go years ago to try to make it on his own and I need to remember that I did let him go but he will always be there. It was hard letting go and letting him live his own life. But I always wanted him to know that I am there for him no matter what. I need to remember to let him fall on his own and not always be there to prevent him from falling because he will never learn how to pick himself up if I am there to cushion his fall all time. I had to learn to fall on my own too but my mom was there to help me pick myself up and learn from my mistakes. I need to do that with him and not always try to protect him. But it is a mother's instinct to want to protect her child.
My reflections on my own mom. We have a very good relationship now. When I was growing up, sometimes it was always so hard to express my feeling about things to my mom. She would sometimes come off as a little cold and uncaring and was never good at showing her feelings. I know she love and cared about us but, she never showed it. Not from a hug or from words expressing "I love you". But you know it. I always wanted to hear it and feel the warmth of my moms arms around me when I fall and hurt myself and for her to tell me it is ok. I never got that from her or at least not that I can remember. She would just tell me to stop crying and patch up the wounds and send me on my way. She was a single mom as well raising twins and a older siblings. I always use to make excuses she is busy working and tending to the house and that is why she can be a little distant. But never realize that that affection for us goes deeper in her past. Her mom (my grandmother)was a very selfish woman when my mom was growing up and from what my mom told me, she wasn't a very good mom. Very unfeeling and was hardly ever around. She pretty much raised herself with the help of my aunt (who passed away in 1976), My aunt was like a mother to my mother growing up.
But today our relationship has gotten so much better. We share a lot of things, we talk to each other every day and I try to see her as often as I can. I know she is getting older and they will be a time when she will no longer be here (hopefully much longer from now) and I can create much stronger loving memories of my time with my mom now that I can treasure for the rest of my life. Wishing you all a Happy Mother's Day!